You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
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