just come out here and I will go home with you...
I don't apprectiate you insinuating that my breasts have a sort of bremuda triangle effect
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
I cut my penus on the lid.
Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
Cover your peen. We're going out.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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