I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
his personality makes his face look like an asshole.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
Randomize
