i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
