He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize
