somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
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