I'm lost and stupid without you.
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
Randomize