My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
He's been dancing to the same Rob Thomas album in his room for almost 8 hours now. Please never, ever bring extacy over here again.
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
I'm really busy with my period
Randomize
