Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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