Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
Randomize
