I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize
