The maid of honor just puked.
Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
should my penis look like a turkey
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
I love that you put so much thought and effort into your nudes
I don't send half assed nudes. Go big or go home.
Randomize
