Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
