I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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