Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Randomize
