There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
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