So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
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