I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
She's in it for that fear factor ya'll. Obsession and stalking or nothing.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
Randomize
