I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
im trying to stop thinking of him and his amazing dick. every time i do i snap myself with a rubber band. classical conditioning at its finest...and you said i wouldnt learn anything from psychology.
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
