Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
im officially scared..,i finally realized who my boyfriend reminds me of! spencer pratt
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
Randomize
