my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Randomize
