We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
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