I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
Randomize
