I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
Randomize
