sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
