I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
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