he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
Randomize
