guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
Randomize