yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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