Nice. Sry i missed. Also sorry that i pissed on my toothbrush last nite
Sink seemed easy target but balance was no good
I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
I can feel your judgement through the phone
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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