SOME GIRL GOT MAGGOTS IN HER COOCH FROM EXPERIMENTING WITH MAYO!
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
Randomize
