imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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