I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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