Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
Randomize
