did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
Randomize
