A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
