Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Randomize
