he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
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