It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
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