i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
Randomize
