Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Midget sex pt 2 tonight
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
also had sex in his sister's princess style bunk bed.
but you are a princess that one was appropriate.
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize
