he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
road dome is illegal, just asked in driving school.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
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