i met a boy and i'm in lovvvvveeeeeeee and we're going to vegas and getting marrrrrriiiieeeeedddddd!
let's be honest with each other here, that's about the worst idea you've ever had. you need to walk this one off.
I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
I can't trust your balls anymore.
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Randomize
