I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
Why is it people are always in costumes on Cheaters these days? Joe Greco literally just said, "It appears they get chased by a chicken with a chainsaw." WTF?
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
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