Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
My liver just had a heart attack.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
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