i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
ron's 8" boning knife is for sale. oh and it comes with a flavor injector.
High?
hahahahaha turkey breast
we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Randomize
