Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
Randomize
