Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
I applaud your efforts, but I have to say it was the bear we encountered that ultimately shut down the entire operation
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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