If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
Randomize
