First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
Randomize
