i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Randomize
