my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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