I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
Randomize
