put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
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