I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
so i definitely just saw 2 cops high five each other as they were arresting underage drinkers in 5 points.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
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