That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
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