last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
Randomize
