If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
going to class with no bra.. is that saying "i don't give a fuck i'm one hour away from thanksgiving break?"
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
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