I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
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