The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
Randomize
