slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
is it just my freshly shaved vagina or is the guy at the end of the table pretty cute??
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
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