I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
I just don't get it. Video games don't suck his dick.
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize