I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
Randomize
