you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
Randomize
