I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
And for your info. Don't pee outside with glow sticks. People will still see you.
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Randomize
