This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
Randomize
