im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
Randomize
